My regular readers may have noticed a new categorization in the side bar, called Aspects. This is because I feel as though I’ve entered a new phase in this experience, and it seemed important to make some sort of acknowledgement of that.
The phases of the moons can be referred to as aspects. The word denotes a different face, or a different view, if you will, of the same celestial body. That’s what I feel has happened since I decided to put a halt to the diagnostics. I am now seeing a different aspect* of my condition, a condition whose reality I have finally, slowly absorbed over these last several months. I should add that this process that might have taken a lot longer if it weren’t for this blog, and more important, those who read it.
I write out a lot of my pain on here, as much psychological pain as physical pain, if not more. But despite what my posts might imply, I’m not morose every day, or even all day on the days that I am. Being able to write about my thoughts and feelings – the desperation, the fear, the swallowing darkness – keeps me from being alone with them in the round room of my inner consciousness.
When those thoughts and feelings are clattering around in my head, or even when I’m screaming them at the ceiling, it doesn’t feel like anyone is listening. But when I write them here, I feel like you are listening, whether you are a regular reader or just passing by. And it’s oddly reassuring, to be read and heard, even if it’s by only one other person, and even if that person is a stranger. It gives the experience credence and a strange state of purpose.
Pain is invisible, and it’s all to easy to believe that since no-one can see my pain, no-one can hear my cries. But you hear them. And I feel better after sharing them with you. And that means more to me than I could ever say, in a thousand posts. So thank you, to those who have been reading faithfully thus far, and welcome to those who have just arrived.
The first aspect (Aspect I) was about learning, admittedly reluctantly, how to assimilate my condition into my self-concept. What follows this post is the second aspect (Aspect II), in which I imagine will be about discovering what my life will be like as I integrate this new self-concept into the world around me, learning new fences, which realms I can no longer visit, and which new ones have opened up.
And so here we go… space and the wheel
*I also like that “aspect” has the word “ape” in it. 🙂