Tag Archives: futility

response and able

“Hey, by the way, Lewaltzia (not her real name) left the gas on in here, so you should stay out for a few minutes while the room vents.” I said, poking my head out of the recently vacated operating room … Continue reading

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can’t

What does it mean when you say you “can’t” do something? Sometimes it is literal – I literally can’t do a handstand. But often it is more subtle, meant to impress a sort of finality despite the lack of a literal … Continue reading

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wilderness

“Carpal tunnel” What? “There is nothing wrong with your ulnar nerve.” The neurologist spoke in the soft, mixed British-Asian accent of highly educated students from that part of the world. “It is all median nerve. Carpal tunnel.” Never mind that … Continue reading

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shelfless

Last week I was so, so angry. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the people who have taken advantage of me throughout my life, most of them men, and how my autism made me such an easy mark, and … Continue reading

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it’s too much

I don’t know what to write here. Words on a screen are too thin and ephemeral to fitly describe the weight and depth of what I feel inside. My loneliness, barely managed under the best of circumstances, has been flushed … Continue reading

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orphaned

So according to my therapist, I am still angry, I am still fighting giving up my autonomy, and I need to redefine the God in which I believe, since the one that I used to believe in doesn’t jibe with … Continue reading

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limited

I had forgotten how exhausting it is to function through pain. In particular, I had forgotten how mental exhaustion begets physical exhaustion. After this week, consider me reminded. It has been six weeks since the semester began. The first two … Continue reading

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stasis

I woke up this morning with the same pain I went to bed with last night. Yesterday, after a couple of hours on the beach, it was so bad that all I could do was lie on the recliner in the condo with … Continue reading

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closing in

Almost, but not quite. That’s what this week has been. A series of discoveries that things that I thought were OK are still not right. Things I thought had been fixed were still broken. A personal life that I thought … Continue reading

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